Faith
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You receive the Sacrament humbly, kneeling
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There is nothing to distract you. You can close your eyes and envision yourself speaking to Christ, because you are
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You take away the Devil’s opportunity to tempt to you omit sins. Shame has no power over you.
Live the Life You Want to Model
We are a culture of complainers.
We complain about work. We complain about family. We complain about our parents. We complain about our Bishops and Priests.
It’s as if we’ve created a Utopia in our minds and we are repeatedly shocked when the real world doesn’t measure up.
It’s not that I don’t think a Utopia is a good theory. In fact, I think it can be incredibly telling about what we truly value. The only real use for it, however, is measuring things in our lives that we can control.
When you create the ideal life that you would like to model in the following Utopia experiment, you actually discover some of your deepest desires and aspirations.
Stop.
Imagine how you want people to perceive you. What characteristics would instantly come to mind when someone thinks of you? What values do you put into action?
Now measure how you’re doing.
Like me, you’re probably way off the mark.
What we just did was figure out what is important to you. If you want people to think of you as a man of integrity, but you do nothing but lie to your boss, you know where you need to make some changes.
Stepping back from our place in the world can give us an overview of where we are, where we’d like to be, and how to get there.
Remember, with any major change, there are going to be some shortcomings. You aren’t going to bat .1000. Don’t let a short term failure short circuit your goals. Make the changes, stick to the program, and live the life you want to model.
Confessing to Christ
I have made no secret that I believe that the Sacrament of Confession is critical to your success as a husband.
We fail.
A lot.
Thankfully, we don’t have to give ourselves over to despair.
Growing up, my family would go to Confession once a month together. It was prudent of my parents to set this time aside to go as a family. All parents have the obligation, through promises made at their wedding and at their children’s baptisms, to present opportunities for their children to grow in and live out their Catholic faith.
The thing about Confession is that it can be pretty stressful. Maybe you don’t even go to Confession at your parish because you’re afraid the priest will recognize you.
And let’s face it, at Parish Penance services, we’re all trying to get in the line for the visiting priest who is elderly and can’t hear very well.
I used to go to Confession face-to-face, but lately I have started to use the screen.
The screen has three key benefits:
My favorite is #2. I feel that I am better able to participate in the grace of the Sacrament, along with its sensory experience, when I’m not either trying to maintain eye contact or avoid eye contact.
No matter which way you receive the Sacrament (face-to-face has merits, too!), always take your time with the Act of Contrition.
If you’re anything like me, your biggest stressor in the Sacrament is that you will forget the words to the Act of Contrition. Thankfully, parishes usually have one close at hand.
I like to take my time with the words, speaking them with feeling and connecting them to my resolve. I wouldn’t want to be in a conversation with someone who was just reading to me!
The main point is this: you have little chance of being the man you’re called to be without regularly going to the Sacrament of Reconciliation. It’s not optional. It is the tool to pick you back up and get you going back down the right road.
When You’re In A Drought, Turn on the Sprinkler
There will be dry days.
Not just outside, but inside.
There will be days, perhaps even weeks or months where you feel that you’ve lost your flare. Perhaps you’ll feel that way about your marriage or maybe it will be your faith walk.
There is a perfect solution to every drought.
Turn on the sprinkler.
You have the ability to shift your mental focus. You have the ability to change the game.
When you’re in a time of drought, figure out what your main negative emotion is and push the opposite of it, hard.
If you feel alone and separated from you wife, go cuddle with her.
If you feel like you’re not getting anything out of your prayer life, change the routine.
You are the only variable that you can control. Don’t wait for a solution to magically present itself. You never know when the sky is going to cooperate.
Be the rain.
Avoid the Dangers of the Internet
The internet is awesome.
With the internet, you are able to connect with people in ways never before possible.
Growing up, my dad was in the military. Every year or two, we’d move. I would have really great friendships that would end because we were no longer able to communicate.
I graduated from college three years ago and still connect with my friends on a daily basis!
This is a blessing. It is a blessing to be able to get the best information on any subject, to maintain bonds of friendship, and to “feel” close to your family. It is a blessing to share ultrasound photos of your first child to your family 700 miles away.
As a husband, the internet is also a huge liability.
Here’s why.
Technology is a double edged sword. It can inform, but it can also destroy. According to an article in the New York Post, the word “Facebook” appeared in 1/3 of divorce filings in the United States. Affairs both physical and emotional are easier than ever to wander into.
It is all so innocent. Reconnecting with a friend from high school who you had a thing with can be fun. And that’s where the danger is. Fun turns into emotional infidelity and beyond that, maybe physical infidelity. The internet can be a wolf in sheep’s clothing.
Here is how I have dealt with this potential threat:
• I don’t use technologies that can easily lead to sexting (ex. Snapchat)
• I severely limit my time on Facebook, and typically only use it when my wife is home
• I have clear boundaries with what types of communication and humor are appropriate, especially in text messages
I’m not batting .1000, but I have a plan. The best way to defeat a threat is to eliminate it’s potential. You wouldn’t pull a Ron Swanson and store your oily rags over your wood burning stove.
Bottom line, remember that the internet can exaggerate reality. You chose your wife for a reason, well, hopefully more than one. Keep those reasons in mind. See the potential for disaster and avoid the possibility.
You Must Decrease
Men usually don’t like to be humble. We can see humility as a weakness. That is foolish of us.
The times when you get into trouble, when there is strife in your relationships, those are the times when you are focused too much on yourself. When we make our lives all about us, we can easily start to sin. Greed, lust, pride, and gluttony become all too easy.
When you are married, the challenge is elevated. You promised to love and protect your wife. Along with that promise, you agreed to be the head of your household, the model of the Christian Life. You agreed to step into the shoes of St. Joseph, with little hope of ever filling them.
The perfect antidote to this pride is to make your life about your wife. Instead of watching what you want to watch, offer to view one of her shows. Instead of insisting on her doing her chores all the time, why don’t you take care of them? Despite what you may think, some men have been successful at operating a washing machine and folding clothes.
The point is this. If you make your marriage about your wife, and she makes it about you, everyone will be taken care of. Even if this is a priority to you and not to her, your marriage will still be better with one less person only looking out only for themselves.
The same is true with the Spiritual life. Pope Francis recently was talking about social climbers in the Church. These are individuals who seek influence and power by being “promoted” to various positions in the Church. Pope Francis asked why they are trying to steal the glory that is due solely to Christ. That is true for us in our families. Christ has won the victory, why should we try to move in on it?
To quote the Gospel of St. John, “He must increase; I must decrease.” (Jn 3:30)
The Church Sustains Us
The election of Pope Francis earlier this year was exciting. I was sad to see Pope Benedict retire, but there was a magnetism about Catholicism. All of the media and blogs were talking about the Church again.
While watching Pope Francis be introduced to the world and give his Apostolic Blessing, it hit me. We are so incredibly lucky to be a part of this Church. We are so lucky to have this Church that sustains us. Then again, luck has nothing to do with it.
Marriage is difficult because we are fighting on all fronts. We are fighting against our own selfish desires. We are fighting against the desires of the world. We are fighting to continually put our spouse before ourselves.
I believe that, as Catholics, we have the best chance of sustaining our marriages. Our chances are substantially better because we have the Church behind us. We are married through a Sacrament. Through that Sacrament, we seal a covenant.
We have access to all of the best resources. We have the Sacraments of Reconciliation and Eucharist to reconcile ourselves to God when we fail. We have the constant flow of graces from the Sacrament of Matrimony. We have access to the Treasury of Graces to sustain us.
As a married person, when we sin, we hurt three groups. We first hurt God, who loves us completely. We hurt the Body of Christ, the Christian Community, because we are a part of that community. We lastly hurt our spouse, as they are one with us. The results of our sin are far reaching.
Thankfully, we have the benefit of the Church to set things right. We are able to fix our fallen selves so that we can then fix our marriage. When we commit sin, we weaken charity. Through Reconciliation, we strengthen our charity and our marriage benefits.
We are part of something much bigger than ourselves. We are a part of this Universal Church that was put in place for our benefit. Christ knew that we’d need help. He knew that the Catholic Church was the perfect solution to our problems.
Take a moment today and reflect, thanking God that you are a part of His Church.
Keep Holy the Sabbath
We all hate Mondays. I get it. But, do we really have to?
For many years, I ignored God’s commandment to “Keep Holy the Sabbath.” The going to Church part wasn’t an issue. I always go to Mass on Sundays. Then, I’d come home and take a nap. I’d wake up, only to be saddened knowing that the freedom of Friday and joy of Saturday was quickly slipping away on a Sunday afternoon.
It wasn’t until I was in college that I finally grasped what this commandment was trying to help me do. One Sunday at lunch in the cafeteria, a friend was talking about how they try not to study on Sundays because they wanted to have a Holy Day. It struck me as revolutionary.
Every person SHOULD keep holy the Sabbath because it can help you have a better week.
Up until that point, I studied mostly on Sundays. I was always tired and crabby on Monday. The reason was simple. If God needed a day off every week, He was most likely telling me that I needed one too. I can’t say that I started performing better under this new structure, but I can say that I was happier.
When I graduated and moved out into the world, I kept this rule. When Friday afternoon rolled around, I removed any opportunity for me to read work emails at home or do any other work. Most of my chores happened on Saturday and Sunday was just a day to be.
I have found that when I get Sunday its proper place, I am much more energized for the week. I am excited to get back to work to do the things that will continue to fulfill me.
The problem is, you need good time management skills and discipline to make this happen. You need to have a plan to get your chores and work done so that Sunday is a fun day.
There is another reason why you should keep Holy the Sabbath. Your family needs you. Monday through Friday, you work most of your waking hours. Saturday and Sunday are your best opportunities to spend quality time with your loved ones. Don’t let work get in the way of that because you didn’t plan ahead.
It can be hard initially to put this idea into practice, but it pays dividends.
When to Go to Confession
Going to the Sacrament of Reconciliation (Confession) is hard. It’s not that it’s inconvenient, it’s that it is uncomfortable.
The Sacrament isn’t optional though. It is absolutely vital to your success as a human person, as a Catholic, as a man, as a husband, and as a father. The graces in the Sacrament will do more in helping you fill your vocational role than almost any other single activity.
Sometimes it can be hard to determine if you need to go to Confession. Here are a few ways that I can tell if I need to go to confession.
• It has been more than four weeks
• I am in a state of mortal sin
• I am afraid to go
• I am afraid that the priest will recognize you
• I am afraid that your penance will be public
• I don’t like going to Confession
Most of those circumstances involve a fear of some sort. That is a problem in two ways. First, it is a symptom of pride. We are a proud gender, us men. It can be our fatal flaw. Don’t let your pride get in the way of growing in your faith.
Second, most of those excuses are simply the words of the devil. By your going to Confession, you gain graces and tools to fight temptation and do better in your faith walk. So, if Satan can get you to avoid the Sacrament, he has better odds of enslaving you.
I’m sorry to be the first to tell you that your sins aren’t that interesting to the Priest. He has heard them all, and worse, before.
That’s not to say that they are unimportant. They are what is holding you back from being the best possible person you can. It is to say that being concerned with your sins is not a valid excuse to avoid the sacrament.
You have a choice. You can be Judas: sin, feel regret, and then die. Or you can be Peter: sin, feel regret, repent and live!
Don’t be a dummy.
It’s Time to be Men
There is a growing chorus among young ladies today. They are recognizing a trend in our society. We have a society full of boys. Women don’t want to marry a boy; they want to marry a man.
What is the difference between a boy and a man? There aren’t enough words in the world to make all of the distinctions. I’ll cover a few key ones here.
Women don’t want a little boy who cares more about his toys than about his wife. Women don’t want a little boy who would rather play with his friends than spend an evening in with his wife. Women don’t want a little boy that they have to clean up after, they want a man who takes responsibility.
Women don’t want a little boy that they can’t rely on emotionally, they want a rock to lean on. Women don’t want a little boy that doesn’t listen, they want a man who shows empathy. Women don’t want a little boy that ignores the importance of religion, they want a man with the faith of St. Joseph.
Women don’t want a little boy that sits at home all day, they want a man who contributes to the family. Women don’t want a little boy that they can’t have a conversation with, they want a man who speaks intelligently.
Men, we’ve been beaten down. They’ve tried to put us in the corner. They’re wrong.
It is time for us to lead our families with the heart of a servant. It is time for us to take our role seriously. It is time for us to love our children by loving our wives well. It is time we give less time to the TV and spend more time listening to our wives.
We need to make dinner time family time. We need to leave our work at work and focus on being husbands and fathers at home. We need to give our families the gift of ourselves.
It won’t be easy to turn the corner. Boys don’t become men overnight. But we need to turn this corner fast. Our wives need us. Our families need us.
It’s time to be men.
Temptation
Lent is a great season. I used to hate it. It was dark and boring. A few years ago, I finally unlocked the key to the season. It came from a deeper understanding of what it takes for God to love us who hurt Him so much, so often.
The Gospel reading from the first Sunday of Lent is especially potent. The temptation of Jesus. I became especially fascinated with the passage this year. For me, it really concretized that Jesus was fully man. I understood and believed that He is fully God and fully Man, but I somehow had the notion that since He was perfect, it was easy. It wasn’t.
Jesus braved one-on-one combat with Satan. He went toe-to-toe and could have avoided all of the pain and suffering that I caused Him. He could have side-stepped the whole torture episode. Even though He is perfect and knows the Father’s mind, He still had a choice.
He could see clearly through the lie. I thought, “That must have made the decision easy for Him. If only I had that luxury.” Problem. We often times have the luxury. When we decide to work on a particular failing, we typically take it to the Priest in Confession. In that moment, we have the clarity of mind to see through the lie. We can see the falseness of the lie. Yet, when we get in the moment, we conveniently ignore what we know to be true and then are shocked at the consequences.
We know objectively that we shouldn’t cheat on our taxes. We know objectively that we shouldn’t cheat on our spouse. We know objectively that it is wrong to steal. Yet, in the moment of temptation, we can easily forget.
In the priest’s homily that Sunday, he said something that really hit me. “Temptation is morally neutral.” The temptation is not a sin on our part. It is a part of our nature. Engaging, entertaining, & acting on the temptation is where we get into trouble.
This is an important point because you will be tempted. It is how you respond to that temptation that defines who you are as a person. It is how you respond to that temptation that defines your marriage.
The biggest take away is that we will all fail, in some regards. Hopefully it is not a major fall. But admitting that you will fall will help you gain perspective. You can take the loss on the battle if it gets you to win the war.