Faith
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You receive the Sacrament humbly, kneeling
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There is nothing to distract you. You can close your eyes and envision yourself speaking to Christ, because you are
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You take away the Devil’s opportunity to tempt to you omit sins. Shame has no power over you.
Community of Prayer
One evening I was traveling home from work. It was a nice summer evening, the sun had set and the city streets were alive.
As I was approaching home, all traffic stopped. An ambulance was approaching with its lights and sirens on. Someone needed help, and the ambulance needed to get there as soon as possible.
I stopped, as I always do, and prayed a Hail Mary for the medics and the patient. It’s something I was taught to do as a child.
After I completed my prayer, my thoughts turned in two directions.
First, I was thankful to be living in the United States where we have a fabulous emergency response network. No matter who you are or where you are, a single phone call can get help to you. That is a great blessing and something we should always be thankful for.
Second, I thought about the universality of the Church and our call as Catholic men to pray for one another. I’ve written in the past about praying for your wife and family, which should be daily prayers. But we are also called to pray for those we know and don’t know, inside and outside of the Church.
As you pray, whether it be when you hear a siren, or pass a Catholic Church, or whatever occasion prompts it, be sure to include those you are with in the prayer. It doesn’t just have to be a private event. This can be a powerful witness to your wife, children, and/or family.
Be men of faith, be men of prayer. Pray without ceasing.
Let’s Fail at Sin
We spend too much time trying to fix our spouse.
When we have marriage problems, we’re the first to blame the other person. It’s normal. But, when we do, we overlook something quite obvious.
We’re probably the problem.
The good news is, we’re a problem that we can fix. The time for personal makeovers isn’t just at New Years. In fact, by seeking daily renewal, we can significantly improve how our spouse’s actions appear to us.
The problem is sin.
We weren’t the first to sin, but we sure are good at it! We fall into every little trap. It’s so bad that sometimes we go looking for sin!
The problem with sin is that it doesn’t just affect us. It affects the Body of Christ. It affects our spouse in a particular way.
Sin weakens charity. What does that mean? It gets in the way of our relationship with God, Who is Love. The further we get from God, the harder it is to not sin. The only way to get rid of sin is to understand it.
Many people wake up on New Years Day and resolve to lose 20 pounds. Two weeks later, they’re destroying row after row of Thin Mints. Why did they fail? Lack of willpower? Maybe. Lack of understanding. Definitely.
You have to understand why you are falling into a particular sin. You need to study the sin and your habits surrounding it. What makes you commit that sin more often? What causes you to move past the point of no return?
Once you understand why you sin, you can understand how to navigate around it. If you are constantly eating gluttonously, maybe you need to learn about techniques for portion control. Or perhaps you could avoid eating out in restaurants.
Another great way to identify where you are weak is through a daily examination of conscience. It’s basically a daily recap of where you went wrong. There are plenty of guides and pamphlets out there.
A daily examination of conscience helps you focus in on your failings and understand better where you need to work.
In our world, being a success is everything. You must try your hardest and win! I’ve got a better idea for today.
Let’s try to fail at sinning.
Go Ahead and Fail
GK Chesterton once said, “Anything worth doing is worth failing at.”
He wasn’t suggesting that we strive to do things poorly. He was saying that if a task is worth doing, then it is worth taking the risk of getting it wrong.
He was warning against perfectionism.
Striving for perfection is ok, but being a perfectionist to the detriment of the task is not.
What am I even talking about?
Being a husband is a daunting task. Your wife depends on you to lead, love, pray and grow. That is a tall order for us as men, especially with all of our flaws. We may let ourselves believe the lie that if we can’t be the perfect husband, we shouldn’t get married at all.
That is wrong. It’s wrong because this whole life is a learning experiment! Sure, we have guides and teachers to help us along the way (parents and other role models), but even the best guide knows that if the student doesn’t fail on their own, they will never be successful.
The enemy of starting something is perfection.
God doesn’t call us to be perfect, He calls us to strive for perfection.
Your wife doesn’t expect you to be perfect. She does expect that you would actually give your best effort and not mail it in.
Don’t be afraid of your faults and weaknesses. Embrace them, work through them, and then use your experience to help someone else.
Contentment
Of all the virtues in the human race, today, contentment seems the furtherest off. We are consumers and that is what we do. We consume things. We consume people. A lack of contentment is a society illness.
The thing about contentment is that it runs with happiness. You cannot find a person who is both content and unhappy. Contentment leads to a natural peace, a serenity.
But what is it?
Contentment is being satisfied with what you have. It is a lack of want. Not a lack of desire or passion, but a spiritual recognition that you have the right things for where you are right now.
If you chose your spouse correctly, you should have a degree of contentment. You didn’t settle, you chose the right mate for life. Members of the opposite sex didn’t suddenly become unattractive to you. They still have natural beauty. But they do not have the things in life that you need. Your wife is attractive, there’s no doubt. But she also has a personality that mirrors yours. She has the knowledge of you to call you on to holiness and correct your wrongs. The compatibility between you cannot be matched.
This is just the beginning on contentment.
When I challenge you to be content, I’m asking you to move away from a consumer mentality. I’m asking you to consider that the things you have, the people in your life, and your personality are the right tools that you need, today, to build the Kingdom of God.
A Rhythm of Prayer
We have a lot on our plates.
We balance work, family life, and leisure activities.
It sounds simple enough, but it’s really not.
One of the easiest ways to include more things into our daily lives is to get up earlier. If we are up before work, we can get a lot more done in our day. We can take care of the things we need to in our day (exercise, reading, etc) before the workday begins.
When you really think about it, you give half of your day to work and half of it is for you to keep. Sure, the 8 hours for you is really broken up into smaller pieces so it may not seem that way, but that’s how the math works out.
What we need to do, to reach the next level in our relationship, is to permeate our entire waking day with prayer. Our day needs to have that rhythm to it.
Prayer is something that we plan to do, yet it gets skipped over. If we oversleep, we choose to skip prayer over skipping our shower or breakfast. Those are valid activities, but we lose a chance to refocus ourselves on what is really important in life.
Maybe missing that time can be enough to get us to get out of bed a little earlier.
Whatever your schedule, prayer needs to be the cornerstone. We need to take time to orient ourselves back to the source of life.
Live the Life You Want to Model
We are a culture of complainers.
We complain about work. We complain about family. We complain about our parents. We complain about our Bishops and Priests.
It’s as if we’ve created a Utopia in our minds and we are repeatedly shocked when the real world doesn’t measure up.
It’s not that I don’t think a Utopia is a good theory. In fact, I think it can be incredibly telling about what we truly value. The only real use for it, however, is measuring things in our lives that we can control.
When you create the ideal life that you would like to model in the following Utopia experiment, you actually discover some of your deepest desires and aspirations.
Stop.
Imagine how you want people to perceive you. What characteristics would instantly come to mind when someone thinks of you? What values do you put into action?
Now measure how you’re doing.
Like me, you’re probably way off the mark.
What we just did was figure out what is important to you. If you want people to think of you as a man of integrity, but you do nothing but lie to your boss, you know where you need to make some changes.
Stepping back from our place in the world can give us an overview of where we are, where we’d like to be, and how to get there.
Remember, with any major change, there are going to be some shortcomings. You aren’t going to bat .1000. Don’t let a short term failure short circuit your goals. Make the changes, stick to the program, and live the life you want to model.
Confessing to Christ
I have made no secret that I believe that the Sacrament of Confession is critical to your success as a husband.
We fail.
A lot.
Thankfully, we don’t have to give ourselves over to despair.
Growing up, my family would go to Confession once a month together. It was prudent of my parents to set this time aside to go as a family. All parents have the obligation, through promises made at their wedding and at their children’s baptisms, to present opportunities for their children to grow in and live out their Catholic faith.
The thing about Confession is that it can be pretty stressful. Maybe you don’t even go to Confession at your parish because you’re afraid the priest will recognize you.
And let’s face it, at Parish Penance services, we’re all trying to get in the line for the visiting priest who is elderly and can’t hear very well.
I used to go to Confession face-to-face, but lately I have started to use the screen.
The screen has three key benefits:
My favorite is #2. I feel that I am better able to participate in the grace of the Sacrament, along with its sensory experience, when I’m not either trying to maintain eye contact or avoid eye contact.
No matter which way you receive the Sacrament (face-to-face has merits, too!), always take your time with the Act of Contrition.
If you’re anything like me, your biggest stressor in the Sacrament is that you will forget the words to the Act of Contrition. Thankfully, parishes usually have one close at hand.
I like to take my time with the words, speaking them with feeling and connecting them to my resolve. I wouldn’t want to be in a conversation with someone who was just reading to me!
The main point is this: you have little chance of being the man you’re called to be without regularly going to the Sacrament of Reconciliation. It’s not optional. It is the tool to pick you back up and get you going back down the right road.
When You’re In A Drought, Turn on the Sprinkler
There will be dry days.
Not just outside, but inside.
There will be days, perhaps even weeks or months where you feel that you’ve lost your flare. Perhaps you’ll feel that way about your marriage or maybe it will be your faith walk.
There is a perfect solution to every drought.
Turn on the sprinkler.
You have the ability to shift your mental focus. You have the ability to change the game.
When you’re in a time of drought, figure out what your main negative emotion is and push the opposite of it, hard.
If you feel alone and separated from you wife, go cuddle with her.
If you feel like you’re not getting anything out of your prayer life, change the routine.
You are the only variable that you can control. Don’t wait for a solution to magically present itself. You never know when the sky is going to cooperate.
Be the rain.
Avoid the Dangers of the Internet
The internet is awesome.
With the internet, you are able to connect with people in ways never before possible.
Growing up, my dad was in the military. Every year or two, we’d move. I would have really great friendships that would end because we were no longer able to communicate.
I graduated from college three years ago and still connect with my friends on a daily basis!
This is a blessing. It is a blessing to be able to get the best information on any subject, to maintain bonds of friendship, and to “feel” close to your family. It is a blessing to share ultrasound photos of your first child to your family 700 miles away.
As a husband, the internet is also a huge liability.
Here’s why.
Technology is a double edged sword. It can inform, but it can also destroy. According to an article in the New York Post, the word “Facebook” appeared in 1/3 of divorce filings in the United States. Affairs both physical and emotional are easier than ever to wander into.
It is all so innocent. Reconnecting with a friend from high school who you had a thing with can be fun. And that’s where the danger is. Fun turns into emotional infidelity and beyond that, maybe physical infidelity. The internet can be a wolf in sheep’s clothing.
Here is how I have dealt with this potential threat:
• I don’t use technologies that can easily lead to sexting (ex. Snapchat)
• I severely limit my time on Facebook, and typically only use it when my wife is home
• I have clear boundaries with what types of communication and humor are appropriate, especially in text messages
I’m not batting .1000, but I have a plan. The best way to defeat a threat is to eliminate it’s potential. You wouldn’t pull a Ron Swanson and store your oily rags over your wood burning stove.
Bottom line, remember that the internet can exaggerate reality. You chose your wife for a reason, well, hopefully more than one. Keep those reasons in mind. See the potential for disaster and avoid the possibility.
You Must Decrease
Men usually don’t like to be humble. We can see humility as a weakness. That is foolish of us.
The times when you get into trouble, when there is strife in your relationships, those are the times when you are focused too much on yourself. When we make our lives all about us, we can easily start to sin. Greed, lust, pride, and gluttony become all too easy.
When you are married, the challenge is elevated. You promised to love and protect your wife. Along with that promise, you agreed to be the head of your household, the model of the Christian Life. You agreed to step into the shoes of St. Joseph, with little hope of ever filling them.
The perfect antidote to this pride is to make your life about your wife. Instead of watching what you want to watch, offer to view one of her shows. Instead of insisting on her doing her chores all the time, why don’t you take care of them? Despite what you may think, some men have been successful at operating a washing machine and folding clothes.
The point is this. If you make your marriage about your wife, and she makes it about you, everyone will be taken care of. Even if this is a priority to you and not to her, your marriage will still be better with one less person only looking out only for themselves.
The same is true with the Spiritual life. Pope Francis recently was talking about social climbers in the Church. These are individuals who seek influence and power by being “promoted” to various positions in the Church. Pope Francis asked why they are trying to steal the glory that is due solely to Christ. That is true for us in our families. Christ has won the victory, why should we try to move in on it?
To quote the Gospel of St. John, “He must increase; I must decrease.” (Jn 3:30)